Old Man Yells At Kids To Get Off Their Phones And Onto His Lawn

By: Matt Dooman

Local curmudgeon Jerry Oldbush has started a new social movement to make sure kids get more outdoor time. Jerry has been yelling at kids to get off of his lawn since the 80s. Since 2010, the sounds of annoyingly happy kids running around have been replaced by “Joe Biron” TikTok audio. He can’t believe he’s saying it, but he misses them. Whenever he walks around town he sees kids on Reddit and MySpace, even CompuServe. CompuServe over his lawn?! Not over his dead body.

“These days the damn kids aren’t like they used to be. Used to be I had to come out and yell at kids to stop playing, now I have to drive in a van with a megaphone yelling at kids to get off their phones and onto my goddamn lawn. It’s just hard with my kids in college, playing on the college green instead of my green. If you haven’t noticed already, I really like lawns. I miss my kids. My wife sometimes plays in the yard with me, but not every day, not even every week. She just doesn’t get lawns. But with her gone, i can finally focus on setting up an “irl” version of Amongus. It’d be like being on your phone but in real life!”

We interviewed a neighborhood kid, 14-year-old Matt Vansmoke, who has a gaming meme page with 40,000 followers.

“Yeah, I know that old man. It’s funny, I miss going on his lawn and annoying him with baseball games, and cracking loud jokes like ‘Hey old man, what’s your favorite show? Lawn order? gotem!’ Now, I have responsibilities. Every one of my 40,000 followers literally has my eyes glued to my phone day in and day out. They say youth is wasted on the young, tell that to my lifelong work of making Fortnite memes and Mario ratio jokes under more popular page’s comments.” 

Jerry has made several calls and wrote to his senators in order to enact laws to get children on lawns as a green initiative. So far nobody has responded besides Bernie Sanders, who said he will drag kids by the ear from their arcades and basements if he has to.