By: Victoria Velez
Picture this. You and your buddies from college plan this sick trip to the beach, or to Atlantic City for a concert, or maybe a cabin near a ski resort. You count down the weeks until you get there. The only planning most of you had to do was get a plane ticket, but it’ll be an unreal week no matter how much you help out. Plus, Sam has done all of the planning and booking for everyone anyway.
Then finally the week comes, and all 9 of you crash into this AirBnb house like a typhoon in a bathtub. Despite Sam’s best efforts to plan some time out in the town past day one, everyone sleeps in till noon every day and then starts drinking all over again. There’s broken glass all around the hot tub, and it’s not clear whether anyone will ever be able to get the melted cheese from 3:00 am nachos off the counters.
Then the last morning arrives.
With an “Out by 10:00 am or else there’s a $800 late fee” restriction over your heads, it’s time to make moves. Everyone has to chip in — no one wants to be that dickbag sleeping in or sitting around puking on the last day, making everyone else miserable. So while you can’t just sit around dealing with your own problems while the house lies in shambles, you also have to find a way to get Sam to do most (or all) of the cleaning up.
Here, my friend, are some simple tips on how to clean absolutely nothing.
Pick up something large, like a suitcase or a bundle of sheets. Carry it up and downstairs every 15 minutes, and use your free time between trips to do absolutely nothing. Make sure you are seen carrying said things, even if it’s the same bag from the car to the top floor, or the sheets from the bedroom to the laundry room.
2. Grab a paper towel. Wipe off the same spot on the counter every time someone walks into the kitchen. Given the condition the kitchen has been left in, it is guaranteed that no one will be staying there for more than 15 minutes at a time to see you being useless.
3. Lose something important, like your car keys or a wallet. Spend your time “looking” for it every time you see someone walk by. Ask everyone if they’ve seen it, and appear very concerned — even though you know it’s lying safely at the bottom of your bag. Bonus: Everyone will share in your relief when you find said item just when it’s time to leave.
4. Announce loudly that you’re going to go look for the dumpster, so that all trash can be taken there when you find it. Disappear down the street for 45 minutes.
5. For the very committed: On the night before you leave, trip on the bottom step out of the garage, or step on the glass scattered around the hot tub. With your twisted ankle or cut foot you won’t be asked to get up early or carry anything to the car. Bonus: When you have to go to work the next day, you’ll get some sympathy and probably a few extra work from home days.
6. This one works like #4. Volunteer to turn in the house keys. You must announce loudly that you are doing something useful, and then disappear “to the condo lobby” for at least half an hour longer than the amount of time necessary.
7. And finally for the seriously hungover, the Houdini. Get up before everyone else, and simply disappear. If you’re confident, you can hide somewhere in the house — but it’s probably best to wander somewhere else and lay low for a couple hours. Hopefully someone finds you right as you’re set to leave, but if they don’t…well just make sure you bring your phone.