Man Calculates How Much He’ll Need To Drink To Get Full Value Out Of New Year’s Eve Cover Charge

By: Jason Elewski

CHICAGO—Starting the new year on the right foot is nearly as important as determining the right New Year’s resolution. Kick off NYE with one poor decision and you might be looking at whole 365 days of shit. Known partygoer, Carl Loftus, knew this all too well when he agreed to join his friends for a New Year’s Eve event at a local cocktail bar with an $80 cover charge. Having spent the most of 2017 making frivolous purchases, Loftus was determined not to begin 2018 by falling into his old habits.

During the course of the past year, Loftus threw fiscal responsibility out the window, purchasing Uber rides, Lyft rides (after he found out Uber was the bad ride sharing company), a corgi t-shirt, an unused boxing gym membership, Groupon massage deals, replacement Apple earbuds, expenses necessary for a new interest in finer cheeses, more replacement Apple earbuds, an assortment of streaming television subscription fees, donations to the Pluto is a Planet Party, and a bunch of fetish stuff. Reminding himself that “the world is a really sad place with Trump and everything and I had to do me for a sec”, Loftus doesn’t feel any guilt about the state of his bank account, but agrees that it’s time to get back on track. “

Loftus employed a myriad of grade school math equations to determine how to get his money’s worth. Determining the average price of the drinks proved to be the most difficult part of the process. In solving this problem, Loftus figured he would stick to consuming beverages that looked the fanciest and used higher shelf liquors, regardless of what appeals to his personal taste. After solving for X, he ascertained that his drinks would be valued at about $11 minimum, so he would need to consume at least eight drinks during the course of the 4 hour celebration in order to feel like an adult with smart consumer tendencies.

2018 is looking like a great year for Carl Loftus and mathematics!