Local Man To Quit Smoking For Rest Of Winter

By: Maximilian Stolte

CHICAGO, IL —Early this morning, met with a gush of 5 degree winter wind, a local man by the name of Seth Chapman quickly decided to skip his morning cigarette and went promptly back inside his apartment. This reportedly started the first day of his winter-long sabbatical from smoking.

“It’s just getting too cold outside to feed my addiction. I’d like to say I’ve kicked the habit for good, but come springtime I’m sure I’ll be back to a pack a day,” Chapman remarked from the warmth of his temperature controlled domicile. According to upstairs neighbors, smells of cigarette smoke can sometimes be smelled in the cold winter months on his cheat days or when he stumbles into the building late at night and noticeably drunk.

This isn’t the first time Seth has merely taken a break from tobacco until the weather was more bearable. In the winter of 2012, a particularly cold and brutal one, Chapman managed to quit until there was an unusually warm day in late February that served as a finish line in sight for the winter’s unforgiving cruelty. Once the smoke-free seal on his lungs is broken, Chapman isn’t one to return to his healthier ways.

“Maybe if I started exercising I wouldn’t even want to smoke when it warms up, but gym memberships are too expensive and there’s no way I’m running out in that frozen hellscape!” reported Chapman. Only time will tell if the vicious cycle of nicotine addiction continues for this young man.