By: Maximilian Stolte
CHICAGO, IL—Local stock broker Jeff Martins fell victim to identity theft two months ago after entering his credit card information into an online subscription service that was nothing if not suspect. As a wealthy man who keeps track of his personal spending, he has admittedly never kept regular tabs on his personal finances. His identity was stolen by a man who police have identified as Paul Parker, a career swindler with a heart of gold. Perhaps in filling his philanthropy quota, Parker did Martins a solid and significantly improved his life through identity theft.
After obtaining his personal information including social security number, a slew of internet passwords, and employee identification, Parker proceeded to impersonate Martins in every facet of his life. Uncharacteristically for criminals of his sort, he used this information only to the benefit of his victim by paying off debts that he had accumulated, working diligently at his day job in order to earn a promotion, and making absolutely mind blowing love to his wife, who achieved multiple orgasms for the first time.
“I thought it was only right that I give back to those I regularly take advantage of. The money stuff was easy, but even easier was convincing his wife that I was a superior lover and would satisfy her needs before my own,” Parker told reporters from the comfort of Martins’s home, now his after the divorce was finalized.
This conman didn’t stop there. Sources say he has helped Martins’s children, Suzy and Jeff Jr., by stepping up to coach their softball team and tutoring them at math respectively. As Martins, now unemployed and homeless, begs for money on the freeway exit ramp, he can’t help but feel like all of this was somehow his fault. “I didn’t want this. All I wanted was to sign up for this porn site that’s naked people eating dog food and spitting it onto each other. But I love my family, so it’s nice to see them doing so well,” the real Martins told reporters in exchange for 85 cents and a mostly punched pizza slice punch card from Dimo’s Pizza.