Gaming Expert Claims No Correlation Between School Shootings And School Shooting Simulator

By: Charley Arksey

WASHINGTON, D.C.–After a shooting at Lake Falls High School left twenty-nine dead Tuesday, calls are mounting for a nation-wide ban on School Shooter 3, the best-selling school-shooting simulator for Xbox One. The ban alleges the game directly influenced the shooters to take violent action, but Kyle Worthers, a 23-year-old violent gaming advocate, disagrees.

School Shooter 3 teaches players how to chain gymnasium doors shut, pick their parents’ gun locks, and write a manifesto blaming women for their own shortcomings. “I’m not sure how that’s relevant,” said Worthers, “the Lake Falls gunmen blamed immigrants.”

“People are overlooking the social benefits of SS3. You think you can kill 300 students and not learn about teamwork? There’s no ‘I’ in school shooter,” said Worthers, “LAN parties are a great place to meet like-minded individuals who also have a passion for school shootings. Plus, we do a cookie exchange.”

“I’ll show you how not real SS3 is,” said Worthers, strapping on virtual reality goggles and loading the SS3 Lake Falls High School map, “If SS3 is so real, then why can I point my glock 9 at Principal Edwards, and hit A to shoot him in his face.  Are you trying to tell me killing someone is as easy as point-and-click?” 

Worthers concluded, “No matter what people say, SS3 is just a video game.  However, it’s rumored that School Shooter 4 is just a gun with instructions.”