Flight Attendant’s ‘Tight 5’ Has 12 Too Many Plane Crash Jokes
By: Jack Flyer
GATE B7, O’HARE INT. AIRPORT—After a turbulence filled flight and a bumpy landing, passengers of flight 297 from JFK with service to Chicago reflected on the flight attendant’s take off speech and concluded the plane crash bits were a bit much. At baggage claim, many critics were standing on luggage shaped soap boxes and letting that stewardess fucking have it.
“This is what happens when airlines hire amateurs who didn’t cut their teeth in night clubs and coffee shop open mics. Absolute trash,” said Patty Peters, seat 17C.
“What a joke. And I don’t mean the “ha ha” funny type of joke, I mean a sad, pathetic joke. This chick is like Amy Schumer but with plane crash jokes instead of pussy jokes. I wish the plane had crashed so we didn’t have to hear her post-landing set.”
WARNING: some of the content of the set we are about to publish may be offensive for those who have been in plane crashes. Read at your own discretion.
“Welcome to Flight 297 with service to Chicago, My name is [redacted] and I’m hoping just as much as you are that the pilot can keep it up better than my ex-husband. Seriously though folks there’s a few emergency exits on the side of the plane, but if we’re being honest, it’s kind of hard to use them when you die instantly on impact. Which almost always happens in a plane crash. If the crash happens over the ocean, the bottom of your seat can be used as a flotation device. A seat cushion should keep you afloat long enough to become shark food or die of thirst surrounded by water. Yeah. Thanks a lot [redacted] Airlines. The in flight movie today will be Planes, Trains, Automobiles, and other things Kennedys can be killed in. We don’t have any politicians on this flight do we? I’m just foolin around, they all have private jets. And if those can go down, you better believe this fuckin’ cheap as 747 could. In case of a 9/11 type Terrorist attack, don’t be a pussy. We can see up a box cutter wound, but we can’t see up the wound of a hurting nation and the subsequent invasions of Middle East countries. There’s so many ways this could go bad. Remember when Sully Sullenberger hit those geese? If geese, the animal whose soft feathers we literally use for pillows and coats can take down a plane, almost anything can. What else? What else? Oh if these little masks that come down, we’re basically fucked. They don’t really do anything. We’re not in space you can breathe the air here. It’s just pure oxygen that will keep you calm while we plummet to our deaths. Make sure to get the kids first, then yourself. Maybe we weren’t meant to fly. We played god and, like Icarus, flew too close to the sun. If we’re spiraling towards imminent demise, I will be at the back of the cabin, legs spread, presenting myself for penetration. I’d like to spend the last minute of my life getting absolutely wrecked so when the first responders search through the wreckage, they will find our bones in boning position and get the weirdest boner of their life. I’ll be around soon with peanuts and soda and shit. Check out my YouTube channel The Funny Flight Attendant.”
While any fan of stand up comedy can clearly see that none of these jokes are well crafted, the flight attendant is traditionally sexy and therefore deserves success in whatever field, no matter how unqualified she is. Her Netflix special “Putting On Airs” aired May 1st or May Day, the thing that pilots say when crashing. This coincidence is perhaps the only funny thing about any of this.