Feminist Astronaut Designs First Non-Phallic Shuttle
By: Mike Maxwell
CAPE CENTRAL, FL–2018 is already a quarter over but the scientific strides are being made. Elon Musk and his SpaceX company were first to show a reusable orbital class rocket. As if funding his own innovative rocket launch wasn’t enough, he fastened one of his Tesla cars to the rocket. Space, is the final frontier of the proverbial pissing match.
Enter Anna Pennington, the UK’s phenom astronaut and staunch feminist, who brought a game changing design to space exploration. “Every space shuttle launches the same way, lands the same way, and is designed the same way. The era of male entitlement is over. Aerodynamics be damned! The wanker shaped shuttle is antiquated.”
History has proven that the most successful and revered designs in architecture, transportation, and vegetation, all have a similar theme. The need for penetrating while erect. Although launching a rocket into space is a reverse homage to fertilization, it’s still clear. Scientists are demented, creepy, lonely people.
Pennington revealed her design for a new space shuttle that will break down penial undertones and inspire generations of female astronauts. “It is fitting that the shlong shape can’t sustain it’s blast to travel long into the exosphere. The shuttle deliberately sprints out of the gate like a seventeen year old after prom,” Pennington remarked. Experts applaud Pennington’s prototype’s performance as it’s boosters can fire three or four times under the proper piloting.
There is criticism for the design of this revolutionary spaceship. Movie buff and space nerd, Andrew Cutler noted, “I’m excited for her but let’s be honest, she made the Millennium Falcon but with two pilot bays. One on each side. She may claim uteral commemoration, but I don’t see how George Lucas let’s her get away with that!”
Sixty years ago, space exploration started with Sputnik. That egg shaped satellite opened up the door for decades of hard on after hard on after hard on being launched while the dainty women of Earth watched from the living room. “I needed a design that was durable enough to sustain the rigors of space life and you’re damn right I made a lady shuttle. The schematics are through the roof, it outperforms the traditional design three fold and when the mission’s completed, it won’t just crash uncontrollably into the ocean bed. It’ll land with some dignity and self respect,” Pennington declared.
At the time of publishing, it is still unbeknownst on how exactly the astronauts enter.