Feces Covered Tiger Smuggled Into Prison, Confiscated From Joe Exotic’s Cell

By: Darryl Haskins

CHICKASHA, OK—Owning and breeding large cats like tigers can be an expensive and addicting habit and nobody knows that better than Oklahoma’s very own Joe Exotic. Less than a year into his 22 year prison sentence, Exotic’s husband Dillon Passage smuggled a bengal tiger into the jail where he is being held by putting the entire animal in his rectum. Dillon is now facing charges as well.

“Look, it was an honest mistake made in the heat of passion. It’s not the weirdest thing Joe’s had me put up my ass, but definitely the most dangerous,” Passage told reporters from his hospital bed. Passage is being treated for anal tearing, internal scratch wounds, and an unrelated case of rabies. “Joe can live without people and possessions, but to see him without a giant animal in a small cage breaks my heart.”

Exotic had been feeding the tiger leftover Grool Brand gruel from the prison cafeteria and flushing its massive shits piece by piece in the toilet. When guards would pass by or check his cell, Exotic would routinely insert the beast into his butt and move very carefully.

The Tiger King star explained to reporters, “Tigers hate small spaces, they’re creatures of the wild. You put a tiger in a tight space like this here prison cell, then inside a tighter space like my pretty little asshole. It’s a claustrophobic nightmare. Clawstrophobic, hey that’s good write that down!”

Exotic says he has no plans to sneak in another tiger, but is instead trying to get transferred to a zoo by splicing his own DNA with a tiger’s. “I know a guy a few cells down. He’s got a little genetics lab going in his toilet. Made a mouse with two heads on it. I bet he can have me look enough like a tiger to at least get that stank bitch Carole Baskins to come get me and put me in her shitty little park. We all know how much she hates tigers in cages that aren’t hers.”

Carole Baskins was contacted by reporters, but was busy feeding the tigers. Her current husband could not be reached for comment.

This content sponsored by Grool Brand Gruel. “Is this stuff food?”