‘Eyes Up Here,’ Snaps Mother Whose Baby Only Sees Her As A Pair Of Tits

By: Maddie Arnold

CHICAGO– Reeling after an absolutely incredible breast-feeding sesh, local baby Georgie Lanstrop just couldn’t keep his eyes off his mom’s wicked awesome rack. “It’s like all I am to him is two big honking boobies,” said mother Allison Lanstrop, fighting back tears. 

“He’s been making so much progress with his tracking,” said Lanstrop, “but his eyes always wander back to my milk-filled jugs.” Lanstrop said she’s putting her foot down, “Enough is enough. I’ve said ‘To hell!’ with maternity clothes. I only wear my turtle necks around him. The mere thought of bazongas is not even allowed to enter his mind at this point.” 

Many area moms agree that Georgie eyeing up their racks has become a persistent problem. “I’ll tell you one thing for sure, I will not raise my son to be another misogynistic pig,” said Allison, who hopes Georgie’s shocking behavior is simply a phase.

According to Allison, things are getting so bad she can’t even “go to the grocery store,” “sleep” or even “take a goddamned piss” without Georgie grabbin’ for the goods. In a recent incident at the public library, Georgie was taken from his mother’s “double whoppers,” and erupted in a terrible tantrum for all to see. When asked for comment, Georgie had nothing to say for himself. Lanstrop vows to keep her son’s behavior in check, but in a recent press release, Georgie said, “As long as booby milk is linked to healthy babies, I’ll be one happy guy.”