Doctor Cures Jay-Z’s Chronic Cough
By: Mike Maxwell
Brooklyn, NY- A medical breakthrough has been made at Brooklyn Hospital Center as a team of physicians have found the cure for the chronic cough of hip hop icon, Jay-Z. The forty-eight year old rhyme maestro has been spitting flow for nearly thirty years. In the rap game, it’s common knowledge that four out of five doctors don’t recommend that beat busting, saliva-slinging lifestyle. Rockin’ the mic can and will generate a chronic cough that could impair one’s voice and ability to start songs cold.
Doctors tallied several attributing factors to this perpetual frog in Shawn Carter’s throat. Most notably, Jay was regularly seen hustlin’ the streets as he hit it from Marcy to Madison Square, often without a coat or hat. Hova has been a hustler, ballin his whole life. The trouble is, hearing his sneaks were not the only trademark sound chirping in the streets of Brooklyn.
Monica Breslin, Chief Resident at Brooklyn Hospital Center spoke to the press. “We’re happy that today we can say that Jay-Z has a clean bill of health. Upon his arrival, we noticed a number of ailments from dirt on his shoulders to his propensity for riding around with bitches in the back of the truck, laughing it up. We felt it medically irresponsible, and Jigga man new that’s what’s up.”
Jay felt it was time to take better care of himself, as many do, because he is a parent and needs to set a good example. Blue Ivy, Rumi and twin brother Sir will soon get to experience a whole new take on “Goodnight Moon” with no ‘ehh ehh, check it’ prelude. Leaving the hospital, Jay added “Look, I can finally say I don’t have an illness man, I’m the illest, man.”
The ramifications of this medical advancement are poised to make their way through the rest of the hip hop industry. While Jay-Z undergoes speech and voice therapy, the acclaimed staff at Brooklyn Hospital Center is looking to the future of where they can apply this success. Steven Houghton, ENT specialist, noted, “Jay-Z has his whole life ahead of himself. Imagine, what if we could help Lil Jon get that phlegm out of his throat everytime he yelled ‘YEAH!’, or if we could alleviate the sinus pressure that forces Eminem to spit beyond comprehension?! Sadly, I don’t think we’re anywhere close to curing Kanye’s hyperactive tear ducts.”