Cat Walks Across Keyboard, Discovers Cold Fusion
By: Ross Childs
SANTA FE, NM—The scientific community was rocked to its core today after a viable formula for cold fusion energy was produced by a house cat. Cold fusion is the idea of creating and maintaining a stable nuclear reaction at or near room temperature, and was considered purely hypothetical, though that could change with this discovery. The cat, an American Shorthair named Miss Floofy, walked across the keyboard of her caretaker’s computer while he was “taking a bitchin’ weed nap.” The animal wrote out the scientific breakthrough in an already open Google Doc titled, “Tennis, But Everyone’s Baked”. Scientific representatives from all over the world have been flocking to this southwestern condo to get a closer look at this furry, four-legged genius.
The cat’s owner and caretaker, Jesse Clubine, a white dude with dreadlocks that sleeps in a hoodie and sells marijuana – he was very generous with that information – was reached for comment about his feline physicist.
“Yo, it was crazy! I wake up from this killer nap, and go to my compupes to talk more about drug tennis, and there’s like all these numbers and letters on the screen. I was gonna delete it, but then I thought it looked pretty dope. So I posted it to Reddit as ‘interesting as fuck’ along with a picture of my kitty!” Not long after posting it, the image made its way to the screens of scientific, engineering, and mathematic experts all over the planet, and had their collective mouths watering incessantly. After eating several edibles in order to prove to Mr. Clubine that they were ‘cool,’ the members of the scientific community were allowed to interview the astute apex predator.
“It’s quite possibly the greatest scientific discovery since steam power,” said Dr. Albert Vongurten, a physicist at CERN, “what this cat has created could potentially revolutionize the way we power our world! It’s the energy of the sun recreated on Earth!”
When these scientific officials managed to sit down with Miss Floof, they all wondered how she came upon this startling revelation. The genius housepet exclaimed, ‘Meow,’ coughed up a furball, then ran after a fly she saw on the wall. Experts are currently reviewing this enigmatic response. They wanted to ask more questions, but the edibles kicked in and the scientists all became couch locked and started binge watching The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius.
Even with this formula in hand, it will likely be years before laboratory testing can occur. No one knows for certain where the chief research will take place, however we have been informed that CERN is currently awaiting approval to install a cat door in their facilities, as well as a scratching post near the supercollider. Here’s hoping they can claw out a solution to the world’s energy crisis without much…paws.
