Alcoholic Lectures People On Dangers Of Fluoride In Drinking Water
By: Graham Reinbold
PEORIA, IL—Local alcoholic, Bradley Jacobs, is making sure everyone in the neighborhood knows the dangers of drinking fluoride laced tap water. “The government puts dangerous chemicals into what we drink, and most people are too ignorant to care,” says Jacobs, eyeballing four fingers of Jim Beam into a styrofoam cup. Jacobs hopes to take the wool off people’s eyes once and for all, and show how the government is attacking the health of the American people.
“Seriously, government and conspiracy go together better than my morning whiskey sours and Marlboro Reds,” said Jacobs, coughing up a golf ball sized piece of grey flem. When asked about his personal health, Jacobs didn’t have to think hard. “I’m healthy as a horse. Up to like sixteen hours of sleep a night, and I just got my entire years worth of vitamin D day drinking shirtless at the Indy 500,” brags Jacobs, flaunting a sunburn that has managed to stay dark red for almost a month. “Sometimes I’ll even make a bloody mary, and sub out the tomato juice with red gatorade. Get those electrolytes in, ya know?”
When asked for more details on Jacob’s fear of fluoride, he recited verbatim what he has told so many people several times each at his local pub.“There’s lots of theories out there about fluoride causing homosexuality, or communism, which is obviously ridiculous. The government adds fluoride to the water to make us more submissive to authority. Our faucets are filled with refreshing liquid lobotomies,” says Jacobs. Despite his confidence, Jacobs seemed to have difficulty backing the science of his claims, but ensures us: “A lot of big scientists are saying it.”
At press time, Bradley was seen hosting a neighborhood BBQ to spread information and guidance on the countries war with drinkable tap water. Jacobs has made previous attempts to warn his neighbors, but typically passes out in a bush before he’s able to deliver his message.