9 Out Of 10 Old-Timey Doctors Agree Whiskey Will Cure Everything

By: Cassandra Vandersands

In a really old study published 6,257 weeks ago, doctors with PhDs from nowhere discovered a cure to everything. Through years of non-clinical trials, old-timey medicine men concluded in no uncertain terms that whiskey can fix nearly anything from gunshot wounds to gonorrhea. Yessir, this number one cure-all is the magic bullet that you and your dearest loved ones need to make it through the harsh winter months and those sluggish summer days.

One drop of this elixir can make you stronger, faster, and prettier than a $30 steed, but why stop at one drop when two fingers of this miracle cure will get you closer to heaven than you’ve ever been? However, like all good medicine, old-timey doctors warn of some common side effects which may include fighting better, making more love, and growing hair where your adolescent body once couldn’t.

Controversy around these claims have arisen with present-day doctors disputing peer-rejected claims from antiquated practitioners that whiskey will “relieve your life of all that ails you”, citing a century of evidence proving that the drink simply gets you drunk, cranky, and prone to urinating wherever. An overwhelming majority, however, have decided that modern PhDs hold no weight in the court of public opinion, with one detractor tweeting, “If these modern doctors were really so concerned with bad medicine, they wouldn’t be in the pockets of these opioid dealers. You gotta weight [sic] the good with the bad and all I know is I feel great when I take my prescribed 7 whiskeys a day.” When contacted for further comment, it had been discovered that the commenter recently died of “liver failure due to complications unrelated to whiskey”, according to an old-timey coroner’s report.

Despite the ongoing feud between vintage and modern medical professionals, all can concede that whiskey is the perfect cure for bad breakups and parties with punch bowls.