Valentine’s Day: Annual Floral Genocide Ravages Nation

By: Ross Childs

CHICAGO, IL — For many, Valentine’s Day is a loving, joyous occasion. However, there are those for whom Valentine’s Day is one of horror, chaos, and terrible loss. The lives of flowers are cut short by the dozens, and their corpses are put on display as grotesque reminders of this annual botanical massacre.

Roses, daffodils, carnations, irises, tulips – none are spared on this day. The average flower shop in America will have stems and petals strewn about the ground, but it might as well be piles of bones and blood as doting, love-struck morons purchase bundles of corpses because they look and smell pretty.

Jeremy, a blue ribbon long-stem rose, has had the misfortune of watching his family and dearest friends be slaughtered in front of him for years now. “I witnessed a man and a woman joyously fuck each other on a bed covered with the body parts of my vasemate, Carl, and his wife. It’s sick!”

Other flowers don’t seem as aware of reality as Jeremy. Many view Valentine’s Day as a sacred rite of passage. Coriolanus Brown, a daffodil who is also the founder of the Valentinian Church of the Blessed Day, offered another perspective. “We are all so proud, and ready to be welcomed into the open, Hallmarkian arms of St. Valentine! He will usher in a thousand-year reign of peace, love, and pesticide-free fertilizer!” The daffodils sang and chanted right up until they were sliced up & used as a garnish in a punch at a high school dance.

However, not everyone shares this grim view of this day. Orchids, such as Carlton and Leslie Darby of the Connecticut Darbies, are treated like royalty on February 14, never being cut but occasionally sheared. “I don’t understand what all the hullabaloo is about this day. If one is a rose, a carnation, or any of the…lesser flowers, one must understand their lot in life. If certain flowers have to be maimed and destroyed in order to bring beauty into this ugly, uncivilized world. We would gladly bathe in a tulip’s blood if it helped maintain our beauteous standard. Beauty is life, after all.”

Every rose has its thorn, and every flower shop commits annual genocide.