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Holiday/Local/Music/Social

Most Annoying Co-Worker Blasting Christmas Music A Month Early

By: Mike Maxwell SCHAUMBURG, IL—As the dish at the reception desk remains full of bastardized Mounds bars, the Halloween hangover is in full effect for this independent little State Farm office. Nearly everyone in the office has been seen meandering around with their pockets lined with their kids’ trick or treating stash for weeks. It’s being reported that from depths of the beige walls, a moron, nay, a total asshat is already playing Christmas music at their desk. It was but a mere four weeks ago that this corporate collective put aside their khakis and blouses for costumes and face… … Keep Reading

Food/Drink/Health/Local/Science

Study Finds Strong Correlation Between Drinking Coffee And Everyone Knowing When You’re Taking A Dump

By: Jeff Sweatly A cup of joe in the morning is essential to maintaining the constitution necessary for morning commutes, water cooler conversations, afternoon meetings, and bitchin’ happy hours. That steamy cup of hot bean water is what fuels America and effectively why we as Americans run on Dunkin. This beautiful caffeinated concoction, however, may also be the cause for some embarrassment according to a recent study conducted by the Browning Institute. As it turns out, 4 out of every 5 people know exactly what you’re doing in the bathroom, provided they witness you consuming a cup of coffee. The… … Keep Reading

Business/Holiday/Social

Work Holiday Party To Be Filled With Equal Parts Fun And Regret

By: Maximilian Stolte Chicago, IL—The law firm Abrahamson, Vorachek & Levinson is gearing up for its annual holiday party and, if last year is any indicator, its shaping up to be an absolute shit show. While attendees of last year’s party will agree that the party was incredibly fun for the employees and included free drinks, the shame and regret that came the next business day were equal enough to cancel out any joy experienced. Attorney Martin Pratt recapped his memory of last year’s party stating, “It was a bit fuzzy the next morning, but when I woke up to… … Keep Reading

Local/Social

68% Of Americans Satisfied With The Lie, “I Love My Job.”

By: Madeleine Russell A new study out of The University of Michigan confirms what you’ve always suspected about most people in your office and all the people in your newsfeed – 68% of Americans feel overwhelming satisfaction with the bold face lie, “I love my job.” Dr. Henry Ham of UM explains, “What you need to understand is…it’s takes a lot of effort to find a new job. So even though the majority of American’s have nothing but contempt for their crappy, monotonous, low paying employment – they don’t want to spend any time on finding a better one by… … Keep Reading

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