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Business/Politics/Science

New $89 Million Dollar F-35 Stealth Fighter Lost Somewhere In Hangar

By: Jack Ritchey ANDREWS AFB—Surrounded by the Joint Chiefs of Staff and an impish air of embarrassment, Air Force Master Sergeant Dana Longenecker announced this morning at a press conference that the US military’s brand new $89 million dollar Boeing F-35 stealth fighter jet was lost somewhere in one of the hangars. Sergeant Longenecker noted that the jet, which is capable of zero-gravity maneuvers at mach-5 speed and is completely invisible when the stealth mode is engaged, was parked by an intern. She went on to explain that this is why nobody seems to know exactly where it is right… … Keep Reading

Health/Science

SCIENCE NEWS: Laboratory Accident Reveals Fire As Effective Cancer Cure

By: Ross Childs HOUSTON, TX—Doctors from the MD Anderson Medical Center seem to have discovered an effective and permanent cure for cancer. A fire broke out in the Cancer Research Wing, and after the blaze had been extinguished, researchers returned to the scorched laboratory to an astonishing discovery: all of their stored cancer samples had been completely and utterly eviscerated. This is the breakthrough they’d been hoping to find for decades. The fire started when a disgruntled lab tech, Blove Scrattaman, stuffed a handful of aluminum foil in a microwave after being fired earlier that morning. The resulting firestorm quickly… … Keep Reading

Food/Drink/Health/Science

9 Out Of 10 Old-Timey Doctors Agree Whiskey Will Cure Everything

By: Cassandra Vandersands In a really old study published 6,257 weeks ago, doctors with PhDs from nowhere discovered a cure to everything. Through years of non-clinical trials, old-timey medicine men concluded in no uncertain terms that whiskey can fix nearly anything from gunshot wounds to gonorrhea. Yessir, this number one cure-all is the magic bullet that you and your dearest loved ones need to make it through the harsh winter months and those sluggish summer days. One drop of this elixir can make you stronger, faster, and prettier than a $30 steed, but why stop at one drop when two… … Keep Reading

Celebrity/Entertainment/Science

Musk Does A Dolezol, Builds ‘Stefan’ Clone Machine From Family Matters

By: Jennifer Allman Silicon Valley, CA—As Elon Musk watched Nick at Nite last Tuesday at 3AM, he found himself viewing for the very first time a revolutionary television show. Musk screamed, “Eureka! I’ve got it!” and took this new venture to his twitter feed: “This new TV show just changed my life!” The Boring Company founder may be busy building underground traffic tunnels, dodging libel suits, and joking about releasing a sex tape with ex-partner, Grimes… but, in the meantime, he has a new project under foot. Musk has sworn to create a real version of a fictional cloning machine… … Keep Reading

Science

Cat Walks Across Keyboard, Discovers Cold Fusion

By: Ross Childs SANTA FE, NM—The scientific community was rocked to its core today after a viable formula for cold fusion energy was produced by a house cat. Cold fusion is the idea of creating and maintaining a stable nuclear reaction at or near room temperature, and was considered purely hypothetical, though that could change with this discovery. The cat, an American Shorthair named Miss Floofy, walked across the keyboard of her caretaker’s computer while he was “taking a bitchin’ weed nap.” The animal wrote out the scientific breakthrough in an already open Google Doc titled, “Tennis, But Everyone’s Baked”.… … Keep Reading

Food/Drink/Health/Local/Science

Study Finds Strong Correlation Between Drinking Coffee And Everyone Knowing When You’re Taking A Dump

By: Jeff Sweatly A cup of joe in the morning is essential to maintaining the constitution necessary for morning commutes, water cooler conversations, afternoon meetings, and bitchin’ happy hours. That steamy cup of hot bean water is what fuels America and effectively why we as Americans run on Dunkin. This beautiful caffeinated concoction, however, may also be the cause for some embarrassment according to a recent study conducted by the Browning Institute. As it turns out, 4 out of every 5 people know exactly what you’re doing in the bathroom, provided they witness you consuming a cup of coffee. The… … Keep Reading

Health/Science

Micro-Organisms Discovered In Mattress Can Confirm Woman Is Faking Orgasm

By: Skyller Tritch Burlington, VT—Scientists from all over the world have convened this weekend for a conference to discuss a highly controversial new chemical that allows the human ear to hear the thousands of micro-organisms living in our mattresses. Their discovery shows the organisms only have one topic on their mind: Carl Sheen’s never made his girlfriend cum. The origins of the homogeneous mixture of the new substance are still unknown, but head researcher at Vermont College of Medicine, Dr. Paul McNair, 55, went on record claiming science has never before seen a chemical compound this beneficial to society: “A… … Keep Reading

Business/Health/Science

Developments In Hand Dryer Technology Rapidly Outpacing Those In Cancer Research

By: Allie Rubin WASHINGTON, D.C.—Doctors warn that technological developments in automated hand-drying technology are outpacing those in cancer research at an alarming rate. The discovery, which was made in the crowded bathroom of a recent medical conference, has sent shockwaves through the oncological community. “It’s unsustainable,” cried Dr. Marvin Lapace, head of the American Cancer Society. “In the past decade, we’ve made remarkably little progress in understanding how to effectively combat cancer. In that same time, hand-drying technology has advanced in leaps and bounds.” “If we could only harness some of the sheer brain-power of these engineers,” Dr. Lapace pleaded,… … Keep Reading

Science/Social

Report: 81% Of Handjobs Unenthusiastic

By: Jack Hutsey Cleveland, OH—Bored while getting cranked off? Bored while cranking someone off? You’re not alone. Just ask Dr. Ava Messerthal of Cleveland’s Institute of Blasting Rope, Paddling the Pink Canoe, and All-Around Self-Care, the world’s foremost masturbation research center. “Chances are, if you’ve given or received a handy jay in the past six years, you’ve been very unsatisfied,” Messerthal said, disappointed. “It’s a real shame. This country’s sexual revolution was built on handstuff at drive-in movies. It’s like being bored with the Bill of Rights.” Of the 500 participants surveyed, 405 reported their most recent tugboating was lukewarm.… … Keep Reading

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