Supreme Court Decides British Can Just Have America Back

By: Max Stolte

WASHINGTON D.C.—Following several quick decisions this week regarding affirmative action, gay rights, and student loans, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas suggested they “quit pussy-footing around and just give America back to the Brits.” The decision was then quickly followed by a fleet of British sailing vessels filled with redcoats landing at various ports on the east coast.

“Once across the pond, these fine soldiers will be able to quarter themselves at your home without notice. You will not be allowed to bear arms against them. Any legislation made between 1776 and now is null and void playa,” said Justice Kavanaugh before taking a sip of tea and crying a little.

Americans have been struggling to make adjustments to the new lifestyle. Some are finding it hard to remember to call television seasons “series” instead. Many are glad they have 6 months to remember that it’s “Happy Christmas” now. Almost all are upset to find that dental insurance just isn’t a thing anymore.

Justice Samuel Alito argues that America is long overdue to take a huge step back because we were only a few steps away from being free enough to decide we didn’t need them anymore. “Americans need a little British imperialism to remind them what makes this country so great. Once they’ve sat in time out for a bit and thought about what they’ve done, we can return to normalcy where wealthy, white men retain all of the power as God intended.” Clarence Thomas agreed wholeheartedly as he adorned himself with the classic Tom Baker Dr. Who scarf or as he calls it “the Kente cloth of the Brits.”

As giant clocks are put up nationwide and Americans are forced to learn how to read them again, we solemnly say goodbye to the Stars and Stripes and hello to the Union Jack. Toilets are now loos, elevators now lifts, and -or words now -our. God save the king!