Skeletons In Closet Come Out, And They Utterly Slay Girl!

By: Becky Tetas-Grandes

What started as a Pride Month miracle has turned into a less than ideal situation as the two skeletons who came out as gay (pictured right) and non-binary bisexual (pictured left) are now murdering everyone they come in contact with. Ummm, slay much? After spending 10 years as “roommates” in the closet of an abandoned stash house, rotting, and becoming nothing but sentient bones, these brave skeletons are no longer afraid to strut their stuff. YASSS!!!

“I was a classic closeted skeleton. Used to say, ‘I don’t have a gay bone in my body,’ because I was ashamed. Now I still say it, but because I don’t just have a gay bone. All my bones are gay,” said the now openly gay skeletal remains, looking flawless by the way. 

Their onslaught against the “fleshies,” which they call living humans, began immediately after exiting the closet and really is just a sentient skeleton thing. It doesn’t have anything to do with sexual orientation whatsoever. They are multi-faceted beings who contain multitudes: one of them being the unrelenting urge to end all human life and create an unstoppable army of bone soldiers and another being the urge to fuck and suck skeletons of the same gender. 

“People say all the time, ‘How can you even tell what gender another skeleton is?’ They ask, ‘How would a bisexual skeleton even work?’ And to that I tell them, stop trying to erase bisexuals,” the non-binary bisexual skeleton said, with nothing but sleek, sexy skull where their terrible haircut once was.

It remains unclear how these skeletons have sex without any organs. But this reporter believes you don’t have to have sex to be queer. You don’t have to even find anyone attractive. You can just be a collection of bones with the power to move freely about the world, striking fear into the hearts of the living.