Racehorse Reluctantly Shoots Jockey After He Gets Appendicitis

By: Ross Childs

LOUISVILLE, KY — Prized thoroughbred racehorse, Thunderfoot, had to put down his Jockey, Doug Stanfield, when it became clear that Stanfield had developed appendicitis. Thunderfoot first noticed an issue during a practice race earlier today when Stanfield complained of stomach pains. Realizing immediately what this meant, Thunderfoot reluctantly shot his jockey in the head to put him out of his misery.

“It’s heartbreaking, the worst part of the sport, but it’s something we have to prepare ourselves for in this industry,” Thunderfoot commented while speedloading his rifle. It is a brutal reality of horse racing, though, as often it costs more to heal an injured Jockey than it does to replace & train a new rider.

Treatments for saddle sores can run upwards of $25,000, not including the cost of the Jockey’s mandatory bulimia pills. Plus deceased jockeys can be melted down and sold as mane volumizer, a largely sought after commodity that gives a racehorse a shiny, luxurious, drag-resistant coat. It’s a lovely byproduct of an otherwise incredibly grim occurrence.

This event comes on the hooves of the incident last week where Silver Stampede, another champion stallion, regrettably beat his jockey, Wilson Phillips, to death for a sprained wrist. “It’s honestly the worst part of this life,” Silver Stampede said as he polished his personalized Louisville Slugger, “It’s all we can do. One hates to watch these poor Jockeys suffer.” Silver Stampede had received a new Jockey by the end of the day.

William C. Carstanjen, the CEO of Churchill Downs, had this to say, “People must understand that these tiny gentlemen are finely-tuned machines of athletic precision, and if one thing goes wrong, the entire system breaks down. Ultimately, it’s up to the horse, and I fully support Thunderfoot’s call.”  While he spoke, Mr. Carstanjen continuously looked back at his horse, Clementine Princess, who seemed to be tucking a revolver underneath her saddle.

For his anguish, Thunderfoot was given an extra oat ration, solid gold horseshoes, and a 2018 Maserati Revero, which Thunderfoot is unable to operate because he is a horse. He was glad to have it, however, because, “It’s a Maserati.”