By: Jason Elewski
Just as the they are about to file for bankruptcy and free anyone bound by a non-disclosure agreement regarding their once virile founder, Harvey Weinstein, the Weinstein Company is taking one more act of penance to correct years of wrong-doing. After unwittingly ruining the lives and careers of any woman whose vocabulary included the word “no”, the Weinstein Company has decided to clear the slate of their tainted history and replace all of Harvey Weinstein’s producing credits with the name Farty McMasturbator, simultaneously shaming Mr. Weinstein and allowing viewers to watch their favorite flicks, unimpeded by the inhuman stain of history.
It’s refreshing to see a company owning up to their mistakes.
So now when you watch Pulp Fiction, you can enjoy watching Vincent Vega navigate his way through Jack Rabbit Slim’s without it being ruined by that 15-letter slur in the credits. You’ll breathe a sigh of relief when you instead see that someone named Farty McMasturbator produced the early 90s masterpiece. Similarly, if you just need a laugh and have a hankering for the 2003 home repair romp, Duplex, the chemistry between Drew Barrymore and Ben Stiller will no longer be sullied by seeing who produced it before or after your 89 minutes of film comedy bliss.
What would we do without Duplex?!
While the change brings some much needed closure to this scandal, the name appears to have stirred some new revelations to the surface. Since it has been widely known forever that Weinstein would often touch his little wiener in front of his victims without their consent, the the last name McMasturbator comes as no surprise. The Farty part, however, seems to imply something sinister. Could it be that Weinstein has a propensity for flatulence as well? In the coming weeks, the very gracious lift on the NDAs is certain to confirm how farty Mr. Weinstein truly is. In the meantime, rest assured that the Weinstein Company is finally taking a step in a responsible direction.