Iraq War Almost As Bad As That Time You Dated Greg’s Sister

By: Charley Arksey

WASHINGTON, D.C.—New declassified Pentagon documents confirm that although the Iraq war killed thousands and displaced millions, it was not as bad as that time you dated Greg’s Sister. “Greg’s sister was a rough choice,” says best friend, Scooter, “I mean, Greg was an O.G. amigo in the friend squad.” 

The Pentagon cites the Iraq war as the end of American ideals, but you dating Greg’s sister was the end of bowling night at Gutter Chuck’s. “There’s a lot to overcome if we ever expect to bring stability back to the friend group,” says Rocket, the friend group weed dealer, “I mean you cheated on her with a Buffalo Wild Wings waitress. The carpool to Breckenridge is fucked!” 

The Iraq War will be remembered for wasting trillions of dollars, severing diplomatic relations, and destabilizing the Middle East, however, your friends remain hopeful you will never date Greg’s sister again.  You know who you are… Mike.