Exploitation Timeline: How To Use Your Kid’s Most Personal Moments To Boost Your Social Media Presence

By: Maximilian Stolte

Having a child is one of the most life changing things a person experiences. There are no words to describe the love that one feels for their offspring. Having a baby will change your whole outlook on life as well as your approach to gaining attention on social media. It is important to remember that no moment in your child’s life is too personal to share with your followers and friends online. Once you learn to exploit these moments, your standings on social media will skyrocket.

What some people don’t realize is that exploiting your baby for “likes” on social media doesn’t have to start after birth. Taking pictures of your baby bump as the fetus develops inside of you is a great way to let your friends and family know that you had sex, semen reached your egg, and that a baby is forming that will fill their newsfeed with likable content for the next several years. A gender reveal video is also a great way to hype up your tiny internet cash cow.

Now that the seed has been planted, be sure to let them know the second the baby is born. Don’t even clean the gunk off of the kid, just post a picture immediately so that his/her new fans can get a glimpse of what’s to come.

Once the child is old enough to make sounds and gestures that no person with a fully developed and functioning brain would, capture those moments and share them. Babies can’t feel embarrassment, but those moments can yield massive social media response and possibly make you go viral. If your kid poops his pants in a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit, make sure to get a video before cleaning the feces off of them.

Let your kids know Santa isn’t real, but make sure the cameras are rolling. Every tear that rolls down their naive, heartbroken face represents a reaction you will receive on Facebook. Your child’s trials and tribulations are fodder for great online content. If they get bullied at school, record a video of them crying and use  a clever hashtag to get the ball rolling.

Some parents will prank their children, dress up like Batman and say things with them in the background, or dress them in pajamas and make them sing parodies of hip hop songs or holiday music. Those are cop outs for actual private moments that could be exploited for views. A mom who makes her 4-year-old use millennial terms and talk about coffee may be the flavor of the week, but if you can capture the moments your child would never consent to you sharing with the world, you’ll be remembered forever.