Dealing With The In-Law Family Tree

LECHEROUS ADVICE

Dear Lech,

How do I deal with my in-laws? -MarriedWithParents

There we all were sitting and staring at each other. Everyone knowing damn well that the only reason we are sharing this holiday dinner is because someone on the other side of the family loves someone else on the other side of the family. And now we all gotta deal with that shit.

Sometimes it’s cool. Sometimes. Like the time when your drunk cousin decided to free climb a 20-foot city light post in his tuxedo during the wedding photo shoot and we all had a good laugh that he had no safety protection and that he was drinking whiskey all day. Other times it’s a family dinner that pretty much resembles an elevator conversation that goes on for 1000 floors. Word of advice, this is a great time to boast with some short stories of your famous tall tales.

Alas, some families must have it tougher than others. I imagine a conversation somewhere that goes along the lines of “You know honey, your dad is so fun and hilarious to be around. Just too bad we don’t get to see each other more often. But hey, every time he gets out of prison we just have a ball laughin our asses off at all his new stories”.

BUT, I will say the toughest of family in-law parodies must be in the cannibalistic tribes. I mean, how hard are you tiptoeing through the tulips with that one?? You REALLY gotta watch your ass and what you say. Because if you mess up somewhere, they’re gonna FUCKIN EAT YOU. And they’re gonna eat you like a ravenous komodo dragon. Lots a pressure right there.

Some popular distraction and coping methods are 1) alcohol 2) alcohol 3) food 4) television and 5) the kids playing. That is until one acts like an ass and hurts the others or they get into trouble and everyone starts to point the finger(s) at whose genes have caused this disruption to our in-depth conversation of how the weather was doing lately.

Be diligent though friends, give em all you got from the get go. Once they see the crazy you, the shock factor is set so high, that later on you pretty much can coast at a level 8 behavior and everyone is cool with it. Hell, it’s better than that one time you gave em your level 10 and tried to cook the family cat in the oven. Just playin, everyone knows cats taste better on the BBQ.

Good luck friends. Try to keep the snake fangs recoiled and just stick to giving them the tail rattle or sidewinder. You’ll be out of there soon enough.