Bummer! Uncle Paul Won’t Be Able to Say Racist Stuff in Person This Year

By: Andrew Mason

PHILADELPHIA, PA—As COVID-19 cases continue to rise, health officials have advised against unnecessary travel. This is causing some to steer away from their traditional Outback or Chili’s experience to new, more creative ways to celebrate holidays and birthdays while maintaining social distance from their most racist relatives. 

Lexi Collison, a senior at Penn State, is eager to celebrate her mother’s birthday over Zoom this year. “Last year, we all celebrated at home because COVID wasn’t even a thing yet. We went to dinner, came back home, and had cake until Uncle Paul had one too many and started questioning my boyfriend because he chose Modelo over Bud Light …” Collison gave additional examples of her uncle’s beliefs, all of which were unfit to print and began with “Look, now I’m not racist but…” or “I don’t see color…” or “It doesn’t matter to me if you’re white, black, purple, green…”

Janet Collison, mother of Lexi and birthday-haver, weighed in on the plan for a socially-distanced celebration this year. “I think it will be fun! Sure, it will be different but I won’t have to clean the house. And when Paul goes off on his rants, I can just mute him. Who knows, maybe he won’t even get logged in” said Collison before going into a list of reasons she still loves her brother. 

Lexi shared her confusion with her Uncle’s personal beliefs. “His Facebook posts went from Candy Crush to Breitbart, in like, two years. I feel like it’s some sort of mid-life crisis mixed with a late-stage teenage rebellion,”  she continued “Nana and Papa literally have a framed picture of Bill Clinton on their mantle.”

At press time, Uncle Paul was unavailable for comment on the format of this year’s festivities, as he was preoccupied ruining some poor, unfortunate waiter’s day.