8 Ways To Fix Your Fragile Masculinity With Duct Tape

By: Jennifer Allman

1. Tape your testicles and penis together to form MEGA MEMBER! Unlike your once-fragile male ego, Mega Member is unstoppable! Less susceptible to rogue groin punches and injuries from sports balls, Mega Member is the Optimus Prime of your genitalia. Grab 10-24 inches of duct tape (you know how much you’ll need) and wrap the boys up to finally live a care-free life! Nothing’s hurting your feelings or your junk, bruh.

2. Use duct tape to make fingerless gloves to protect your widdle hands from weak, feminine influences like antibacterial soap, hydrating hand lotion, and platonic hand-holding with your best bro.

3. Don’t have the body you want? (And it’s not like you couldn’t get there by lifting once or twice, you’re just too busy defending the patriarchy and playing God of War, dude). Duct tape to the rescue! Tape on some ab lines, lift those biceps and triceps. Real men tape on their muscles!

4. Duct tape you and your best bro together, back to back. Look out for each other and show him that you always have his back, literally. It’s ash to ash and womb to tomb with you guys. It can even be butt to butt and it’s not gay at all– in fact this way, your penises will never be farther apart.

5. Build a book satchel out of duct tape to hold your copies of Catch 22, On The Road, and the entire Tucker Max collection. Make sure these gems never leave your side. This way, when someone weaker than you (most likely a woman) tries to lay down some knowledge, you are prepped with ammo for an intellectual firefight. Remember: you can always win an argument by starting every sentence with the word, “Actually…”

6. Make a suit of armor out of duct tape. Save all of those damsels. Every woman is a damsel, after all. And honestly, all of them are in distress—many just don’t see it yet. Be the knight in shining armor! Even if literally no one wants you to be one.

7. Make a duct tape knife to stab anyone who threatens you. Real men stab people! Which is what this tactic is all about. It’s not about using your pent up creative energy to craft an artisanal status symbol. It’s about forging a tool in the blacksmithing creation of your forefathers. This is about stabbing, not crafting. In case it needs repeating, Duct taping DOES NOT EQUAL crafting.

8. Make duct tape facial tissues. If all of the above tactics fail to deliver you from your fragile, emasculating feelings—cry it out. Don’t let anyone on the planet see you do it, but have you a good, snotty sob. Comfort yourself with homemade duct tape tissues. Let the sticky, strong tape suck the tears off of your pores before you let any more testosterone leak out of your eye holes. It will only feed the matriarchy and we wouldn’t want to fuel that fire.