‘Succession’ Cast Visits White House To Discuss Importance Of Bailing Out Banks
By: Max Stolte
WASHINGTON, DC—Not to be outdone by AppleTV’s Ted Lasso cast, the cast of HBO’s Succession visited the White House today to take some questions in character about the importance of bailing out banks. With so many great television programs to distract us from our crumbling economy and falling American empire, the visit shone a much needed light on an issue otherwise swept under the rug.
The press had plenty of questions, and the cast treated us all to some hilarious answers. When asked if bailing out banks should take precedence over helping everyday struggling Americans who didn’t make risky loans to tech startups, the Roy family patriarch replied, “We have to pretend to care about the fucking trash collectors and fast food employees, but if the banks are fucked, then they’re all fucked. It’s a giant fuckfest on Fuck Mountain without the fucking banks.”
Everyone in attendance was in stitches at the juxtaposition between yesterday’s polite and gentle Ted Lasso and the foul-mouthed Roy family. With every “fuck” uttered, another pair of pants was pissed. That’s what makes HBO so great after all.
One state-sponsored stooge from CNN asked what was stopping banks from acting irresponsibly with our money if they know they can just get bailed out every time they fail. Roman Roy had the perfect witty quip per usual: “What’s keeping my pants from falling off every time a hot piece of ass comes in my office? It’s not just my juicy, thick ass. It’s a thing called fucking ethics, Jan.” That shut them up pretty quick, aside from the uproar of laughter that is.
A similarly state-sponsored stooge from FOX News asked what their qualifications were for speaking on the economy. Jeremy Strong, who has been method acting as Kendall Roy for four seasons, finally spoke as himself for the first time since shooting on the final season wrapped. “Look, I know we are just a bunch of actors who don’t really add much of value to the economy. We produce no material goods, offer no services outside of entertainment, and most of us pay someone to take care of our money. Where was I going with this? Line?”
We at Word Brothel can’t wait to see the cast of HBO’s The Last of Us answer some questions about vaccines or whatever next week. Long live television!