By: Daniel Wightkin
MEDFORD, OR—Sticking his nose in the air at the sight of the grease stained boxes, sources confirmed Saturday that Mr. Fancy Pants, local man Douglas Rumsfeld, is apparently too good to eat Little Caesars. “Well well well, looks like Mr. Bourgeois Society is stuck too far up on his high horse to come down and eat a Hot ‘n Ready with the masses.”
“What a fucking shame,” remarked Rebecca Lynn, adding that the Lord of Milk and Honey adamantly refused to take even a single slice despite complaining about being hungry only minutes earlier. “I believe his exact words were, ‘I’m simply ravished,’ and then I said I’d fly and Derek said he’d buy. Despite the convenience and not having to pitch in, he simply said, ‘Oh dear me, I would sooner eat my own foot than the tiny Roman emperor’s greasy gruel. How aptly this eatery is named, for I feel as though I have been stabbed in the back.’ Such a douche.”
“I totally see where he is coming from because it would be such a tragedy if anyone saw his Majesty succumb to our level by crawling off his gilded throne and enjoying a $4.99 pizza,” continued Lynn, who noted that the offer of a Crazy Bread stick and marinara sauce was also immediately shot down with fervent disdain by Mr. Holier-Than-Thou.
“I’m so sorry that our ‘garbage’ Little Caesars dinner doesn’t hold up to your standard fare. Next time we will be sure to hire a private chef just for you, Mr. 21st Century Man. Then maybe you and your delicate little palette and weak baby stomach can avoid sucking the fun out of everything,” quipped Derek.
At press time, Sir Shiny Shoes continued to lord himself over everyone else at game night by being far too sophisticated to drink Franzia boxed wine.