I Tied My Fanny Pack Too Tight And It Started My Period

11/10/2017

Op-Ed By: Madeleine Russell

You can’t just decide to wear a fanny pack, get nervous, grab hold of the fastener and yank. My period busted out of me, draining the swamp all the way down to my ankle socks.

It was so embarrassing, because honestly I know better. It’s just been a really stressful month and I’ve been binge eating soy – hormone levels have been OFF THE CHARTS. I broke out on my hair line, my armpits smelled like grapefruit, I’m basically only having diarrhea, and yesterday when a barista who was younger then me called me “Hun” I violently cleared the bobbles off the register area with one sweep of my arm.

But when I was picking out my clothes for today I couldn’t NOT wear high waisted jean shorts. The kind that are so short it looks like my crotch ate off both my pant legs. And you know what that means…no pockets. I mean, 90% of women’s clothes means “no pockets” but I also didn’t want to wear a miniature backpack because I sunburned my shoulders over the weekend while I was apple picking during a heat wave.

Leather fanny packs are the shit this fall. I stand behind the choice, style wise. But….I got so overwhelmed. It was Wicker Park and it’s not cold enough for the gutter punks to be dragging their canine drug mules back to…Miami? Oakland?  Does anyone know? There was a group of them napping and talking about…weed? Infected gauges? Does anyone know?

I was inside my own style bubble with all of my discount club cards, a rosary, pepper spray that looks like a vibrator, and a backup thumb drive of my DVD collection all snuggled together underneath my rib cage. I didn’t notice a gutter punk broke from the pack and stood near me. He mumbled something under his breath. I said nothing. He was, after all, a stranger. I can’t imagine why I would need to investigate what came out of his mouth unless it was “fire” or “Do you have a minute for gay rights?”

He got mad. He stormed away screaming and giving me the finger. What could I have done to deserve this aggressive reaction given my lack of…any action? In my confusion and fear, I instinctively pulled on the fanny strap which constricted my lady guts and started my period.

It was like a low budget Kill Bill. But again, I know better. Anything can happen at any time when you play it fast and loose with the female body.