Chicagoans Welcome Newest Cute Celeb Critter To City: ‘Brandfin Johnson’ 

By: Max Stolte

CHICAGO, IL—Beachgoers this weekend were delighted to meet the newest out of place critter to the city, a great white shark who has been affectionately named Brandfin Johnson after the newly elected mayor. Following in the footsteps of local legends Chance the Snapper, the alligator in Humboldt Park, and more recently Chonkasaurus, the turtle in the Chicago River, this new animal is making waves. 

Believed to be a pet shark that grew too big for its enclosure and was released into Lake Michigan, the shark is an astounding 2,000 pounds of pure cuteness. Unlike its contemporaries, this creature has wielded its god-given talents and bitten limbs off of 7 beachgoers so far. With food options severely limited in the area, can we really blame the little fella though? 

“My son was playing in the lake and all of a sudden I hear a blood-curdling scream. He comes running over to me, blood dripping from where his arm used to be, and says, ‘Mama, I’m never washing this nub again! I just shook hands with THE Brandfin Johnson!’ I was starstruck,” local mom Andrea Jefferson tweeted to an astounding 30 thousand likes and 2 thousand retweets.

Animal Control has already released a statement saying they plan to take their sweet time with this one: “There is no immediate threat to this animal, since great white sharks can survive in salt water and fresh water. If we notice any decline in its ability to hunt or live, we will attempt to relocate.”

If you haven’t been to the beach yet this season, hurry down before you miss the hype. Brandfin Johnson is precisely the hero we need to kick off 2023 summer in Chicago right! Be sure to bring a towel, some sunscreen, and a tourniquet in case the little cutie gives you some love nibbles.