War on Christmas Rages, Draft Reinstated

in Holiday/Politics by

By: Jennifer Allman

Arlington, VA

There’s a new lottery in town. Gather around your iPads, download the Fox News app, and cross your little liberal fingers that you’ve been spared. The Trump administration has reinstated the draft to defend this God-fearing, beautiful country in The War on Christmas.

If you are between the ages of 18-25 you have been registered with a biblical book, chapter, and verse. Tune into Fox News everynight at 7pm EST. If your Bible Verse is called, you’re being shipped off to serve, kiddo. You’ll have to pack up your red hat, your green shoes, and bring your own string of lights to defend this nation’s most beloved holiday from the liberal, PC agenda.

The Christmas bloodshed of 2017 is unlike any other. Even on the foreign front, the War on Christmas rages. Why at a Gregg’s Bakery in the UK, Baby Jesus himself was brutally slaughtered in his manger bed and replaced with a sausage roll. On the homefront, Merry Christmas greetings are being shot down by snowflake snipers, chirping back their brutal warcry, “And HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU.”

If you are drafted, basic training will include learning all harmony parts of Carol of the Bells, hanging stocking by the chimney with care, and watching all 25 days of Christmas on Freeform (formerly ABC Family).

Those wishing to voluntarily enlist in the War on Christmas will receive personal benefits including:
– The eternal love of Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the King
– A guaranteed role in said enlister’s hometown Nativity Reenactment
– Lessons on either A) donkey riding or B) birthing your immaculately conceived child in a barn

When we contacted the Democratic National Committee asking if they plan on also reinstating the draft, they simply stated, “Oh no, we’re busy trying to protect net neutrality right now. But hey, Happy Holidays and a Happier New Year.”