Tech CEO Promises To Exploit Middle-American Cities In The Near Future

By: Jonathon Allen

San Francisco, CA–Promising to turn a lucky metropolis in Middle-America into the next Silicon Valley, the tech industry has announced its search for the next city that it can exploit. “We’re delighted to say that in the very near future, some backwards, hellmouth of a city in a god-forsaken flyover state will provide us with a fresh population to misuse, underpay and overwork,” said tech CEO Mark Rathier. “We are so excited for the opportunity to turn the cross-eyed, drooling, snaggle-toothed inhabitants of some shithole municipality into an abused workforce we can utilize to generate revenue for our shareholders.”

Enumerating the high number of jobs that would inevitably be created, Rathier was noted as relishing in the idea of soon being able to bust up the unions that were guaranteed to follow. “There is just so much to look forward to: Grueling hours with low pay and high turnover. Denying maternity leave. Hell, even the thought of firing these slack-jawed, bow-legged, inbred yokels for illnesses such as  cancer they got from working in our warehouses is enough to get my dick hard for weeks.”

But it doesn’t end there. “I just can’t wait to purchase up a bunch of real estate in one of these pigfucking, blue-ribbon-rimjob, state-fair-corncob-sucking cities and force out all of the poorest tenants from homes they’ve had for decades. With any luck, property costs will skyrocket, and half the population will be homeless overnight. Then, these club-footed, crab-walking, illiterate morons will have no other recourse than to take whatever piss-slurping job we offer them just to survive. It’s like fish in a barrel. Dumb fish,” he added.

Gazing wistfully out at the Pacific ocean vista afforded to him through the floor-to-ceiling windows of his modern, multi-million dollar home, Rathier sighed. “I just can’t wait to get some boots on the ground in one of these fetid, manure-humping, cow-fondling cities and really get to the honest task of wringing these milk-guzzling, tongue-lolling, skinny-ankled boobs for all they’re worth. Then I know I’ve done God’s work. Then I know. Because I am God.”