Like Owner, Like Dog: Biden Bites 13th Secret Service Agent

By: Max Stolte

WASHINGTON D.C.—This weekend marked a baker’s dozen bites for the incumbent president and a grand total of 37 biting incidents between him and his beloved German Shepherd. While rightwing news outlets are desperately trying to frame this as a negative story, we are choosing to celebrate the beautiful connection between man and his best friend: dog. If doing what you love with your best friend is wrong, we don’t want to be right.

White House veterinarian “Dr.” Jan Stevens has pointed to a phenomenon of pet owners and pets that could explain why these two best buds are becoming so similar. “If you’ve ever noticed that pets can actually resemble their owners, then it’s not a stretch to say they will behave similarly too. They both love naps, ice cream, and sinking their teeth into a secret service agent’s flesh from time to time.” Stevens also pointed out that they are prescribed a lot of similar medications and prefer to defecate and urinate anywhere but a toilet. If that doesn’t melt your heart, you may be a sociopath.

President Biden is in tip top shape. Perhaps the best shape any president has ever been, according to White House sources. His jaw can close at 300 pounds per square inch, giving him a much stronger bite than the weak jawed Donald Trump. Experts say Trump couldn’t bite his way through a wet paper bag, much less the tough skin of the brave men and women tasked with protecting the president’s life.

While detractors of the Democrat party will try to claim that the president is too old for a second term and has dentures, the very real teeth marks on the extremities of the 37 secret service agents tell a different story. They tell a tale of a man who is ready to take a bite out of rising crime, fetch the economy from the gutter and bring it back to its former glory, and sit/stay on the throne for which only Dark Brandon is fit.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we have a huge DNC check to cash and spend on hookers and blow.