Florida Bans All Books DeSantis Hasn’t Memorized Word For Word So Nobody Finds Out He Can’t Read

By: Max Stolte

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Governor DeSantis signed into immediate effect a bill that would ban all books he hasn’t memorized word for word, just ahead of his publicity tour of Florida schools. The bill allows for a few Seuss classics such as Hop on Pop and Green Eggs and Ham, titles his Gamgam read to him enough times to memorize, to remain in schools. 

“We believe that these books are all Florida’s children need to succeed. All of the lessons contained in here are all you need to know to be prepared for college and defend yourself against the liberal brainwashing that will take place there,” DeSantis told a group of 1st graders this morning before reciting Yertle the Turtle: a book he’s read hundreds of times but hasn’t gleaned any sort of moral from aside from “turtles are cool!”

In a chilling echo of the ALS ice bucket challenge feud with Floyd Mayweather, rapper 50 Cent has offered $50,000 to any racist charity of DeSantis’s choosing if he can read a page from a Harry Potter book. “Shit, I’ll even donate to the most racist charity I know, the DeSantis 2024 Campaign,” said a confident 50 Cent via TikTok. Unfortunately Harry Potter was banned statewide for witchcraft and because JK Rowling caved and made Dumbledore gay. 

DeSantis was last seen “reading” Green Eggs and Ham to a class of kindergarteners, cleverly replacing the words “green eggs and ham” with “when kids are trans”. He had to stop halfway through before the main character decides that he was wrong and changes his mind. Taking a page from former president George Bush’s book, he had a subordinate interrupt the reading to tell him a second Chinese spy balloon had entered U.S. airspace.