Deranged Millennial Buries ‘Fur Baby’ At People Cemetery

By: Max Stolte

GRACELAND CEMETERY— Distraught and deranged millennial cat mom Teri Newcomb laid her cat Winkles to rest this weekend at a cemetery otherwise full of people bones. In what some are calling a disrespectful display of lacking self awareness, she managed to strike the first blow to the reputation of 30-something cat ladies. 

“My mother, her mother, and her mother’s mother are all buried at this cemetery. Now that there’s a fleabag on these hallowed grounds, I want to dig them up and put them somewhere else,” said one local griever and anti-feline bigot who wished to remain anonymous. For that reason, we will hereby refer to them as Anne Onymous. 

“These people who treat animals like they’re people make me sick,” added Anne, before burning an effigy of Garfield outside the cemetery in protest. Ms. Onymous heads the local chapter of hate group People Against Pawrents (PAP) and featured Teri and Winkles in the group’s propaganda rag PAP Smear. 

As the pawlbearers, a group of somewhat trained dogs, lay poor Winkles into the ground via hole they dug themselves, a newlywed couple mourned the loss of their 6-month-old child at a plot nearby. Teri reportedly approached the couple and their tiny, human baby-filled coffin saying, “I know exactly how you feel. Why would god ever punish a parent to outlive their child? Why is he testing us like this, why!?” 

Winkles, who died of a rare kidney disease, will be honored through Teri’s charity Kidneys From Kiddies To Kitties (whose acronym we’d rather not publish). Her mission is to take kidneys from healthy kids and put them in old, sick cats. Despite doctors stressing that this procedure would be a waste of a perfectly good kidney and cause significant injury or death to donor and recipient, she quoted her for-profit charity’s slogan, “Anything’s pawsible!”