CDC Says You Have To Take A Shower Every Time You Shit Now

By: Fanthony Ouchie

WASHINGTON D.C.—In a final burst of exerting political power, the CDC has declared this morning that every U.S. citizen must take a shower after every shit. Whether it’s a phantom wipe, back splashing diarrhea, or anything in between, shit takers nationwide will have to strip naked and shower head to toe before continuing their day. 

Head of poop policy, Theo Farthington, is happy to see this crowning achievement before he is laid off by the Trump administration. “Sure, the toilet paper shortage that happened during Covid was partly my fault. I thought it would make you have to shit more than it ended up doing. But that’s no reason to abolish my entire department!” Farthington griped as he transferred 30 figurines of Miss Piggy on toilets from his desk to a cardboard box. 

After each defecation, you now need to take a 10 minute minimum shower. This is a mandatory “everything shower” complete with hair washing and conditioning, loofa scrub down, and a makeshift hot colonic where you put your butthole up to the faucet and blast piping hot water in there like you’re a water balloon. Failure to follow these guidelines could result in losing your job and social ostracism.