Supposed Smart Guy Looking Pretty Dumb About Now

By: Max Stolte

MCFINNEGAN’S PUB—Bar trivia team Rosemary’s iPad Baby was shocked last night as new recruit Garrett Pearson, supposed smart guy, made an absolute fool of himself. Jessica, the pop culture expert of the team, invited her co-worker Pearson because he has a PhD in engineering from Yale. 

“He started out the night with an embarrassing attempt to pull the front door to McFinnegan’s open. A door everyone knows you push to enter,” Jessica told reporters. “Then he mixed up Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch with New Kids on the Block. Maybe he really is dumb.” 

This would only be the beginning of his “smooth move Einstein” moments of the night. He went on to lay a hardy shit in the second stall of the men’s room, which any dunce in town could tell you doesn’t flush. Furthermore, he was so ignorant as to ask if he could sub his fries for a salad. You don’t exactly have to be a genius to know McFinnegan’s only puts lettuce on burgers. 

Perhaps the most humiliating moment came when Pearson squeezed the ketchup bottle too hard and got it all over his shirt. Even a child knows the ketchup bottles squirt heavy and fast at McFinnegan’s. Yes, the red rivers flow fast and deep at this establishment, but apparently they don’t cover that in the esteemed Yale curriculum. Sports expert Chet quipped, “Maybe you should engineer a ketchup bottle that’s idiot proof!” and any hopes of proving his worth were pretty much shot.