Low Income Parents Forced To Raise Android Tablet Baby

By: Max Stolte

PITTSBURGH, PA—With the economy in the shitter, parents across the world are feeling the pressure. Local couple Paul and Sherry Johnson know all too well what it’s like to balance a tight household budget and which sacrifices to make. As they welcomed little Tristan Johnson into the world, they quickly came to terms with the fact that their beautiful baby son would never be an iPad baby. Because of financial restrictions, he would be an Android Tablet Baby at best.

“Is our child going to be less socially awkward and isolated from the real world? Yes. Is it because the interface on Android tablets is much less user friendly than the iPad? Absolutely. Is he going to do things like go outside and read books? Not if we can help it,” Sherry put bluntly. Studies support Sherry’s claim that poorer technology leads to boredom in kids, which in turn leads to annoyance in parents. They also indicate that little Tristan may have too many real world experiences and less social anxiety, which could cause him to be ostracized from his ostracized peers.

Paul Johnson, who owned Apple products before the baby came, can’t imagine what life will be like for poor Tristan. “He’s never going to use iMovie, his calendars are going to be less intuitive and efficient, and I’m not even sure if there are shortcuts. If he becomes a serial killer, blame Sherry. I wanted to buy the iPad,” Paul told reporters.

“He said that? That son of a bitch. I told him we could shop used iPads and he was the one who was worried there would be spyware and Tristan’s identity would be stolen. If the kid turns out to be a serial killer, it will be because he wet the bed too long like Paul,” Sherry reported when we came back to get some equipment we forgot. 

“I didn’t wet the bed that long. I was 6. That’s nowhere near serial killer territory. Any FBI profiler with half a brain could tell you that. If we want to get into it, maybe he inherited that fire starter gene from Sherry’s side of the family. Ask her about her brother. He’s still in a penitentiary for a string of arsons. Go on, ask her!” Paul retorted.

As we left, Tristan seemed to hardly notice the screaming match that was happening between Paul and Sherry. He was comfortably lying in his crib with a true crime YouTube video playing on his Android Tablet.