‘It’s Not You, It’s Us,’ Say Two Members Of Throuple

By: Max Stolte

SAN FRANSISCO, CA—Late last night, local throuple Kim Wagner, Joe Pitt, and Malcolm Martin had a difficult conversation about downsizing. The clear third wheel of the throuple, Pitt, wasn’t pulling his weight and had to be cut loose.

According to sources close to the throttle, it was obvious to everyone but him that Pitt wasn’t as committed as the other two members. He was too focused on work, had hobbies and interests outside the group, and could barely get a word in sex-wise during what was otherwise a steamy encounter. 

The subject was breached during their evening ritual of watching Three’s Company and splitting a triple banana split. 

Pitt was naturally heartbroken when the news came and he was hit with the line polyamorous people know all too well: “It’s not you, it’s us.” Poor Pitt knew at that point of the conversation it was time to pack up his things from the crowded 1 bedroom apartment that they split rent three ways in and look for greener pastures. By that we of course mean he would dye his hair green and possibly get a facial piercing in a display of body modification therapy. 

“Look, was I sad? Sure. But at the end of the day, I need more than 3 to tango. I’m better with a larger ensemble so I can sort of linger in the background until it’s my time to shine,” Pitt said.

If you and your 2-5 person polycule are looking for an addition, reach out to him on Tumblr or Grindr or any other app that takes the “e” out before the “r” at the end.