Glampers Comfortably Mauled By Bear

By: Max Stolte

Billings, MT–A campsite covered in blood and viscera was discovered by park rangers this weekend in an apparent bear attack, but you wouldn’t know it from the complacent expressions on the relaxed, lifeless faces of the victims. 

The victim, 25-year-old Dave Bruskins, was enjoying a luxurious camping getaway with his wife, Tricia Bruskins, and third wheel, Martin Long, when a bear was drawn to the smell of their smoked salmon canapés. The 8-year-old grizzly brutally mauled Bruskins to death as he lay reclined in his massage chair with cucumbers on eyes and a facemask opening his dirt-clogged pores.

Long, who was listening to a crypto-finance podcast on full volume and soaking his feet, was similarly ripped limb from limb by the belligerent bear. Crime scene investigators noted that his dismembered feet had some of the softest skin they had ever encountered.

Tricia was taking a shower in the on-site portable outhouse when tragedy struck. Her daily two shower regimen saved her life that fateful day.  

“It’s the way he would have wanted to go. He was a true outdoorsman. He loved watching Grizzly Man on our 85-inch 4K QLED flatscreen after a long day of hiking and taking pictures for our 2 million follower CampingCouple Instagram account,” Tricia told reporters, adding that readers should still follow and share despite the tragedy. 

Bruskins leaves behind $60,000 in camping gear and all of their Instagram followers to Tricia and her new boyfriend Paul. Long leaves behind $20,000 dollars in various crypto coins that will be worth $10,000 by the time I finish typing this sentence.