Americans Waiting A Week To Eat Groceries In Case Of Deadly Contaminant Recall

By: Max Stolte

UNITED STATES—Americans, wary of decreased regulations in food production, are waiting a full week before consuming their overpriced groceries. With recalls on deli meat, eggs, and other perishable goods on the rise, the week-long wait may be worth it.

When given the choice between brown bananas and E. coli, Americans unanimously chosen the former. Health conscious eater Sarah Shockley tweeted, “I don’t mind if my lettuce has turned red around the base and is a little slimy so long as I keep control of my bowels and limit the amount of blood in my stool.” 

Salmonella, listeria, and undeclared toxins in food are jumping with joy today as robotic-voiced and self declared King of Health Foods RFK Jr. takes on the task of dismantling the FDA. Although it’s hard to tell which decisions are his own and which are the lingering ideas implanted by his brain worms, the dismantling of food regulations is certainly something a brain worm would love to see.

The solution seems to be either wait until your food is almost inedible and scarf it all down once the recall grace period has expired or give the RFK Jr. diet the old college try. McDonald’s is already trying to curry favor with the Trump appointed health czar by offering McWhale Bites, Roadkill McBear, and fries cooked in endangered seal tallow.