Succulent Dies Along With 29-Year-Old’s Hope Of Ever Becoming A Parent

By: Josie Benedetti

MANHATTAN, NY—Jillian Fogle, 29, who had been told that succulents were one of the hardest plants to kill, was devastated to find her impulsive succulent purchase molding, untouched, on top of her book shelf Monday morning. Fogle, who had been using the succulent to see if she was ready to finally have and raise a child on her own, Gilmore Girls style, commented, “I guess this is it. I don’t deserve children. I can’t even keep a fucking succulent alive. A FUCKING SUCCULENT!”

Fogle said she had recently successfully hung out with a baby at a friend’s tailgate party and felt she was ready to consider parenthood. “Something about a baby in a miniature football jersey just made my unpregnant 29-year-old womb ache.”

Fogle left the party and immediately went across the street to a Whole Foods. Jack Humphrey, Whole Foods cashier, reported that he remembered Jillian coming in, saying that she slammed a succulent on the countertop, handed him a 100 dollar bill and yelled “This time things will be different! I’ll show them. I’m ready!”

“I didn’t really know what that mean,” Jack said, “But I kept the extra 5 bucks. Please don’t tell my manager, he always makes us donate our tips to dolphin sweaters or some shit. ”

Jillian said she had tried to keep up with watering the plant, but got pretty into The O.C. again. “When I saw how dried up and sad it was, I tried pouring a bunch of water in there but then I looked on the internet and Google said I probably just drown it and killed it even more. Did you know plants have nervous systems and can feel just as much, if not MORE pain than humans? God, I’m such a fucking monster! I shouldn’t be allowed to have children! This is clearly a sign!!”

Fogle had previously tested out cat sitting to prove her abilities as a sound parent. “My friend Denise let me watch her cat and it ate the pet rock I had been trying to raise. If I have a baby is one of my babies going to eat the other one and then throw it up? I’m such a fucking mess. I still have cat puke all over my rug. I can’t even take care of a rug!”

Denise Winnepeg, a close friend of Jillian’s, said she felt that Jillian could be forgetful with things but she didn’t necessarily think that that meant she couldn’t raise children, if that’s what she really wanted. “Jillian has a pretty demanding job, I think she was probably just having a tough week. She always does this thing where she makes something small like that a metaphor for bigger personal issues she’s working through.”

Jillian, who is now trying out having a cactus said, “I’m turning over a new leaf with this one. I’ll water it everyday. I’ll never forget. Nothing will ever bring us down!”