SCIENCE NEWS: Laboratory Accident Reveals Fire As Effective Cancer Cure
By: Ross Childs
HOUSTON, TX—Doctors from the MD Anderson Medical Center seem to have discovered an effective and permanent cure for cancer. A fire broke out in the Cancer Research Wing, and after the blaze had been extinguished, researchers returned to the scorched laboratory to an astonishing discovery: all of their stored cancer samples had been completely and utterly eviscerated. This is the breakthrough they’d been hoping to find for decades.
The fire started when a disgruntled lab tech, Blove Scrattaman, stuffed a handful of aluminum foil in a microwave after being fired earlier that morning. The resulting firestorm quickly spread from the break room to the research lab. Fortunately, no one was harmed, as all of the scientists were outside looking at a French bulldog in a top hat. After the Houston Fire Department spent hours tackling the blaze, scientists returned to their burnt, exploded husk of a laboratory to find their cancer samples destroyed by the flames, leading to their announcement of a groundbreaking cure for the deadly disease.
“It’s extraordinary,” said Head Researcher Dr. Sarah Slappledapple, “We’ve been seeing some hopeful results with radiation exposure, but nothing anywhere close to this! The fire eradicated ALL of our cancer samples, no matter what kind of cancer or level of progression! It’s a total cure!”
Medical Researchers all over the country have reportedly begun firebombing their labs in the hopes of replicating MD Anderson’s findings, and it looks rather promising. The Providence Cancer Center in Portland, OR has already placed an order for 5 medical-grade flamethrowers for use in future experiments.
Recently hired Intern & Fortnite enthusiast Joland Schmoop exclaimed, “Let’s torch some fuckin’ SHIT!!” while slamming a monster energy drink. Providence and Houston both say they’ll be able to start animal trials within the month.
Of course, as with any cutting-edge break through, there are detractors and naysayers. Noted stick in the mud Dr. Flain Droobin from the Maryland Cancer Institute said, “This…This isn’t a cure! Are you people serious?? You’re just setting things on fire! The goal is to *JUST* kill cancer, not the person with the cancer. This is criminally irresponsible!” Yeah, save it for Infowars, Alex Jones.
MD Anderson says that before they can move on to organic trials, they need to recreate the experiment. The laboratory needs to be completely refurbished to the exact prefire specifications before they can “Backdraft” it again. And because of his momentous discovery, Blove Scrattaman is already in talks for the next Nobel. Let’s hope he and the rest of the team can end cancer with a blaze of glory.