Sad Sack On Bus Reading Actual Newspaper Like It’s 1922 Or Some Shit
By: Jack Ritchey
ST. LOUIS, MO—Half-questioning if he had just seen some sort of time-traveling Great Gatsby situation, downtown resident Chris Bora reportedly witnessed an old man riding the bus today who was reading an actual newspaper. A real, physical one. With ink on it and like cartoons ads and stuff. Like it’s 1922.
“Wait, does he know that stuff happened yesterday?” asked an understandably confused Bora, adding, “there’s newer information literally in the palm of my hand right now, why is he looking at wrapping paper?” Bora then received a CNN notification about the Mueller investigation and exclaimed “See? This just happened! And he won’t know about it until next week. Extree, extree! Read all about it!”
Bus driver, Mark Huban, also noticed the ancient ghost and his rag when, upon entering the bus, the old-timer paid for the ride using change. Like loose change from his pocket. Coins!
“He stepped up on the bus and pulled out a small purse and I thought he was playing a character in a Dickens play or something. But, no. He was a real person using physical currency to pay for his bus fare. What a lost, forgotten generation of humanity. I bet he voted for Dewey.”
Bora and other equally intrigued riders continued to watch the sad baby boomer in amazement for twelve stops as he struggled to fold pages of the ludicrous document into various shapes and sizes, feverishly attempting to isolate a single article.
“He looked like he was making balloon animals using someone else’s arms. I was like ‘just Google it, cave man!’ He probably subscribes to have them garbaged onto his porch, or paid like a buffalo-head nickel for it or something.” Bora’s frustrations only compounded when he noticed the man checking the time using a pocket watch. Like from his pocket. With a minute hand and everything.
Confused and annoyed, Bora eventually had to exit the bus at his stop here in 2018. Collecting his laptop bag, fitbit, and wireless headphones, Bora pulled up the current weather with his iPhone and stepped off into the modern era, leaving the lonely soul on the bus to beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.