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New Record: 12 Chicago Cars Turn Left After Light Changes Red

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1/31/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Today is one for the record books as more cars made left turns through an intersection, get this, AFTER the light had changed from yellow to red. Only in Chicago could a feat like this be accomplished and boy are we glad to see this record shattered. It all started at the intersection of North, Milwaukee, and Damen where three cars had crept into the intersection, awaiting their chance to turn left. A break in traffic never occurred so they were forced to do what all Chicago residents are: just wait until the light turns red…

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The Question Of Where DMX’s Dogs At Finally Answered

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1/14/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte If you’ve listened to rapper DMX’s music before, you’ve undoubtedly heard him ask his patented question: “Where my dogs at?”. The inquiry is commonly followed by a series of barking sounds that he makes in hopes to find the dogs for which he is looking. Well look no more! You left your dog at the kennel silly man. DMX has long been a lover of animals. He wrote a song called “For My Dogs” in 1998 where he stated, “I know where my dogs is at.” So at this point in time we can assume he…

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Orgy In Heaven: Catch Up With The Celebrities We Lost In 2016

1/11/2017 2016 was a year marred by the loss of many beloved celebrities. In the wake of one of the most peculiar years for news on Earth, things have also gotten pretty weird upstairs in the kingdom of heaven. Every famous person who died last year is having sex right now. It goes without saying this orgy of historic proportions was probably initiated by none other than Prince and David Bowie, two infamous sex symbols that the mortal world lost this past year. When it comes to the wild fuckfest in the sky, our loss is their gain. It’s hard…

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Time Traveler Came Back To 2016 To Warn: “Stop Calling This The Worst Year Ever”

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12/29/2016 By Maximilian Stolte Meet Drongificent Blar, or as his friends of the future affectionately call him “D-Blar”, “Drong”, or “Gificent”. Drongificent is an American citizen from the year 2060 and he has come back with a dire message for Americans in 2016: stop calling this year the worst year ever. Mr. Blar explained, “In the future, we all look back at the historic documents [tweets, blogs, and Facebook posts] and you look really stupid saying each year is the worst year ever. Here’s the thing, this was actually a great year in retrospect because each following year gets exponentially…

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Austin Powers in Goldmember is a Christmas Movie and Nothing You Say Can Disprove This Fact

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12/25/2016 By: Maximilian Stolte Each and every holiday season families the whole world round get together. We eat, drink, give presents, and most importantly watch classic Christmas movies. A Christmas Story, Elf, Home Alone, and The Grinch all come to mind when one thinks about holiday related cinema, but there’s one that is commonly overlooked: Austin Powers in Goldmember. I know what you’re going to say, so spare me. Just because a movie doesn’t center around holiday related activities does not mean it isn’t a Christmas movie. Let’s look at some of the facts in favor of my claim. In…

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Breathtaking: Don’t Miss Out On The First Full Moon In 29 Days!

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12/19/2016 By: Jason Elewski If you take a peek out your window tomorrow night, you may be able to observe the Moon as you’ve never seen it before. For the first time in 29 days, Earth will be aligned between the Sun and the Moon. Predominantly seen in the shape of “God’s thumbnail” or a “chewed up Nerf football”, the Moon will take the form of a perfect 360-degree circle tomorrow night. You will be able to see this phenomenon tomorrow night at 8:42pm. In order to locate the Moon, look up at the sky and rotate counterclockwise until you…

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Local Boy Fairly Certain “Uncle” Joe Actually Just Nailing His Mom

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12/17/2016 By: Maximilian Stolte A young boy by the name of Alan Richards has recently had an epiphany that will likely change the way he looks at everything in his life from this point on. He has a sneaking suspicion that his mother has been deceiving him, not just about Santa Clause or saying he is special and can grow up to be anything he wants either. No, Alan’s mother’s deception goes much deeper than that. The man Alan has affectionately called “Uncle Joe” is no more than a suitor knocking upon his mother’s door and ringing upon his mother’s bell. The…

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5th Grader Breaks Up With Tinder Girlfriend He Never Met Through Text

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12/12/2016 By: Ben Gauwitz A central Illinois 5th grader has just broken up with a girl he never met this week on social media. Word Brothel reporters were able to catch up with Jerid Daring in his hometown of Chillicothe, IL to see what caused this irrational decision. Daring has been the focus of a lot of attention in his small town after dating the hottest girl in his class, as well as the class above him in a span of just one month. When asked if he will also pursue the hottest girl in the grade below him, Mr. Daring…

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These Photos of Mike Pence Reimagined as Different Types of Gay Men Are Stunning

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VP-elect Mike Pence is well known in the LGBT community and not for great reasons. Here are some beautiful renderings of what Pence might look like as different types of gay men and we think they are fabulous. Bear Pence: The carpet doesn’t match the drapes on this muscular love machine! Jock Pence: This bad boy looks like he’s ready to whip America into shape over the next four years. Show Queen Pence: Politics can be a drag sometimes, but never before like this. Gorgeous! Chub Pence: More cushion for the pushin on this Mike, but he needs to work…

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VP-elect Mike Pence’s Review of “Hamilton”

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Word Brothel Theater Review Exclusive By: Mike Pence 11/19/2016 To say that my breath was taken away would be the understatement of the century. Hamilton was a brilliant retelling of an important time in our nation’s history, but told through a modern style with a diverse cast. In the current political climate it is more important than ever for these voices to be heard and I truly felt like I was experiencing something monumental. I’ve long been a fan of Broadway and musicals. I rank this right up there with Rent, The Color Purple, and anything written by Stephen Sondheim.…

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