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Minimalist Hipster Buys $6 Coffee

Food/Drink/Local/Social by

10/30/2017 By: Mike Maxwell CHICAGO, IL- Another morning broke for repeatedly declared minimalist, Colin Porter rolled off his futon.  His feet hit the floor without an alarm, as he’d done for the past three years since finding himself. Dressed for the day, or possible hitchhiking to Burning Man, he exited his modest, garden unit apartment that reminded him daily to come down off the high horse of consumerism. After crossing a few gentrified blocks in Chicago, he came to his favorite neighborhood coffee shop, ‘Hard Pressed.’ There are no barista’s as it’s a communal coffee shop where patrons pay to…

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Sexy Vampires: The Original Woke Misogynists

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10/28/2017 By: Jason Elewski Imagine you have found the perfect match on your favorite dating app: Pale, dark hair, and almost a reddish tint in his eyes. So you try to set up a lunch date, but he insists on meeting at night. Normally this would set off alarms, but his profile says he devoured Virginia Wolf and his pic boasts a set of bitchin’ abs, but not deliberately like most guys, so you decide to meet up. You agree on a bar that’s hip, but not too loud, because he really wants to “have a dialogue” with you. Your…

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Report: Professional Bowlers Still Miss Pins Somehow

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10/26/2017 By: Jake Dierksheide Researchers at Duke University have published a paper that uncovers a shocking truth about professional bowling’s most elite competitors: that when rolling the ball down the lane they are, with frightening regularity, still managing to miss some of the pins. That’s right – despite spending large quantities of time practicing a sport enjoyed- and often excelled at- by people of all ages, there are multiple times per game that these players are not knocking over all 10 of the pins on the first try. The report is sure to revolutionize the way the sport is viewed…

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Headless Horseman Denied Medicare For Pre-Existing Condition (Type 1 Diabetes)

Celebrity/Health/Politics by

10/24/2017 By: Jennifer Allman Tarrytown, NY—The Headless Horseman, Sleepy Hollow resident and lovable stablehand, took to GoFundMe last week to raise money for his medical bills. As a result of the Republican administration’s newest amendment to the Affordable Care Act, Horseman was denied health insurance for having a pre-existing condition: type 1 Diabetes, the disease that led to his headlessness. Says Horseman through the hole in his neck, “I make an honest living, caring for these beautiful beasts. But now I worry— I don’t know how much time I’ll have left. Who will mix the grain for Bucky and Footloose?…

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Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Future Gun-Hating Liberals Want For America

10/22/2017 By: Jack McGovern The Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie franchise is a nightmarish hellscape to most viewers, but what strikes fear in the hearts of most sane people is a utopian dream to nutbag liberals. The overarching theme of the movies is that, without guns, Americans will still brutally murder one another with chainsaws and then eat the bodies of the victims. This is the future that all who hate the second amendment pray for each night to their left-wing version of god (George Soros). The grisly murders committed by Leatherface are but a preview of what’s to come should…

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NSA Politely Asks That Americans Be Mindful of Spoilers When Talking Near Smart TVs

10/20/2017 By: Jake Dierksheide WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States National Security Agency released a statement on Tuesday urging the American population to please, ‘cool it with the specifics’ from their favorite shows when making conversation in front of their TVs. The 2-page open letter urges the American public not to share any details from popular current televisions series when they may be being surveilled, which the letter also mentions is literally anytime and anywhere. The document specifies that in today’s post-9/11 world, it has been necessary for all Americans to give up luxuries like privacy in order to keep…

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Actually, I’m More Of A Grammar Stalinist (Blog Post)

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10/19/2017 By: Tiffany Williams I don’t usually respond to comments or tweets directly on my blog, but I thought this particular case warranted a post. I was recently referred to as a “grammar nazi” and I wholeheartedly disagree. I do not appreciate having my zeal for correct usage and mechanics compared to the inhuman atrocities committed by the Third Reich. I understand the impulse to draw up Holocaust imagery to address my ferocious choice to rectify other’s misuse of punctuation. I’m forceful, but I’m no nazi. Joseph Stalin’s forced famine that resulted in the death of over seven million is the more appropriate metaphor. These fascist totalitarian states…

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Anna Faris, A Family Guy Mom And Chris Pratt, An American Dad Dad: The Real Reason Behind The Couple’s Break

Celebrity/Entertainment by

10/18/2017 By: Jennifer Allman LOS ANGELES, CA— Love is dead. We all know it, but now we know why. America’s sweethearts, Anna Faris and Chris Pratt shocked the country with the news of their separation. Perhaps more shocking is the real reason behind the couple’s split: an irreparable feud between the two’s preferences for Seth MacFarlane television programs. Anna Faris prefers the lovable, accidental witticisms of Peter Griffin while Chris Pratt can’t let go of his adoration for big-chinned Stan Smith. We can’t fault these two for their disagreement. Their fates were sealed at birth. Faris grew up in Baltimore…

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