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Entire Apartment Naively Hoping Pandemic Causes Sleazy Landlord To Have A Heart For First Time

Entire Apartment Naively Hoping Pandemic Causes Sleazy Landlord To Have A Heart For First Time

CHICAGO, IL—With absolutely zero prior anecdotal evidence to favor their belief, tenants of a Lakeview apartment building are hopeful that their rent will be forgiven during the global pandemic that has left many of them without jobs. Their landlord Jake Penny, who inherited the property from his father, has already so graciously offered to wave the late fees. This kind act of glowing generosity would allow tenants an extra week in to find a new job and pay him in an economy that isn’t creating new jobs.

“He already said he’d let us pay late, I don’t think we should push our luck. I mean this is the guy who got the black mold out of our apartment a week after we called him about it,” shouted Sheila Archer from 3A to a group of tenants standing 6-feet apart in the apartments entryway and stairwell. “Remember when he fixed the elevator so we didn’t have to carry Bill and his wheelchair up to the 5th floor anymore?”

Others were more hopeful their dirtbag landlord would come through for them. “Look, did he evict Bill 2 months after he got both his legs amputated? Yes. But this is different guys. I really think he’s going to be understanding,” said 2B resident Herb Sangamon. Herb had once been without heat in the coldest winter. Jake the landlord had it fixed the following Monday since he doesn’t answer his phone on the weekends. 

Jake who, like many landlords his age, doesn’t have any other source of income, relies on his father’s acquisition of property to scrape by. “Look, it’s not my fault that these people didn’t get real jobs with retirement and healthcare or whatever. I still need money too,” he said getting into his 2019 Dodge Magnum. Jake has raised the price of rent every year despite making no changes to the property that would increase its value.

Jake’s isn’t the only apartment in the city with asinine faith. Even the tenants who rent from large building management companies were blissfully optimistic. “They have so much money. They overprice the hell out of these units and make them small as hell. Surely they can take a hit on a month’s rent until this global pandemic is over,” foolishly reasoned Eric Yager, renter of a BJB Properties studio apartment with a narrow foyer that doubles as a kitchen. 

Eric seems to think that this company that treats people like pets at a doggy daycare every other part of the year will be a little more compassionate during these difficult times. As those whose leases are ending pack their bags during the Shelter in Place order from the governor because their lease renewal request was denied, Eric sits with great expectations that empathy and the goodness of people will persevere and all will be well. When reached for further comment Eric’s cell phone had been shut off and his residence was found empty.

Word Brothel