By: Maximilian Stolte
LOS ANGELES, CA—Around 4PM today, in an alley outside of Greener Pastures Dispensary, record store sales associate and pretty chill dude, Cam Porter was seen ripping a CBD vape pen and blowing out quite the cloud. Passersby took note of his calm and cool demeanor, as well as his Radiohead shirt which led most to believe that he’s probably pretty cool, but not necessarily chill as fuck. Porter enjoyed the medicinal benefits of CBD such as reduced anxiety and relieved wrist pain from his record spinning related carpal tunnel without any of the psychoactive properties of marijuana that generally lead to people chilling the fuck out.
Once he pulled out his airpods, which he all but insisted we knew he was using to listen to the new LCD Soundsystem album, he commented on his smoking habits in a way that could have for sure been chiller, but wasn’t altogether unchill. “Yeah THC gives me panic attacks. I just get in my head and start thinking about things in my life that bother me. I’d rather not think about that kind of stuff and just like play some records and talk about conspiracy theories for a podcast I’m thinking about starting,” he rambled on just a little longer than a chill as fuck dude would.
Those closest to him all corroborate the eye-witness accounts in reference to his level of chillage. “He’s like someone you can hang around when there’s a lot of other people and he chimes in when the time is right. It’s super hard to hang out with him one on one,” said co-worker and drummer in their fledgling band, The Terrordactyls. “You know when you’re just sitting there and there’s a silence that isn’t awkward until someone points it out? He’s usually the one who does that.”
As it became more and more clear that Porter’s wheelhouse lay somewhere between the verge of unchillness and slight chillitude, the urge to ask him any more questions or continue telling his story disappeared into the air like the very vapor that once caught this reporter’s eyes. If this story somehow makes it past the editor and is published, I’m sorry that I chased this totally unpromising lead that, at best, hoped to prove that somebody was kind of cool.