Cop Hopes Bump In Road Is Dog, Not Black Teen

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Ferguson, MO

February 2, 2016

At approximately 2 p.m. Monday, Officer Jake Finnegan of the Ferguson Police Department was doing his job as usual. While driving around looking for civilians to harass for texting and driving and dicking around on his laptop at the same time, he hit a rather large bump in the road.

At first he thought it was just a speed bump, but then he remembered there weren’t any speed bumps in that road. That’s when panic set in.

“I thought to myself, please be a dog. Even a really big cat would be fine. Anything but an innocent black teen. That’s the last thing this precinct needs right now,” Finnegan told reporters. “I mean, I’d probably just get a slap on the wrist anyways, but there’s a lot of messy paperwork involved in killing a black kid and making it seem like it wasn’t your fault.”

Much to Officer Finnegan’s surprise, the bump in the road turned out to be a fellow officer who was jaywalking and looking down at his phone. This has created quite the paradox for Ferguson PD. They must decide whether to charge him for killing a police officer or acquit him for being a police officer.  One thing is certain; policemen like Finnegan are keeping our streets safe, just not the people who are walking on them.