By: Simon Tessmer
In an ideal world the only thing relevant to a song’s popularity would be the quality of its music. However, we’re all horny as fuck and imagining the steamy sexiness of a lead singer can elevate the listening experience of any given pop trash. Here are seven especially egregious examples of songs you won’t like until you realize how attractive the musicians are.
- Fallen Horses – Smash Mouth
We love sleeve tattoos, goatees, and unwashed ‘In Rock We Trust’ t-shirts, which is to say we have wet dreams about Steve Harwell on the regular. There’s something sublimely attractive about a man who looks like he hasn’t touched a vegetable in thirty years, and that sex appeal expresses itself perfectly in this otherwise synth-laden garbage fire of a song.
- Major Tom (Coming Home) – William Shatner
This spoken-word homage to David Bowie will bring you to your knees when you consider it’s five minutes of Captain Kirk saying ‘coming’ repeatedly into a microphone. That, coupled with the burning image of a red-faced, out-of-breath Shatner sipping scotch in a recording studio? William’s not the only one coming tonight.
- Introit Benedictus Sit – Monks Of The Abbey Of Notre Dame
The even-toned drone of these Gregorian chanters might put you to sleep before you consider the thick, trembling thighs hiding underneath their brown robes. The Notre Dame Monks are notorious for their daily deep squat-sets, making the contours of their supple asses and sharp calves a hidden delight behind their monastic music.
- Hongkongaton – Gorillaz
There is nothing to us more sexy than two-dimensional green zombie (?) boys, and Gorillaz delivers. Murdoc, the band’s animated bassist, is so emaciated and elvish he has us dying to know whether he 69s with the no-pupils all-white-eyes guy. Spoiler: he definitely fucking does.
- Prelude & Fugue in B Minor – Johann Sebastian Bach
We could (and will) get lost in the moist crease of Johann’s double chin for days. What treasures lie betwixt his soft neck and bulbous chin? Only a deep, hard, pulsating exploration can render a just verdict.
- In the Hall of the Mountain King – As whistled by Peter Lorre in Fritz Lang’s M (1931)
Peter Lorre plays a serial killer who ominously whistles In the Hall of the Mountain King before kidnapping his child victims in the Fritz Lang classic M. And we’ve gotta say, we’re horny as fuck for it. Lorre’s buggy eyes and silky smooth lips? His impassioned monologue claiming to lack control over his violent tendencies? We’d rail him. Hard.
- Bird Chirps – Black-Crowned Night Heron
Say what you will about wanting to fuck a bird, but night herons are hot as hell, okay? Have you seen their angular black beaks and spindly talons? If you can’t admit you’d love a seven-night fuck bender with one in a greasy interstate hotel, you’re lying to yourself.